Real Life Writes Real Bad
By: Sarah Khan
“I’ve decided, Ted.”
“What’ve you decided, Rich?”
“I’ve decided that I’m going to follow in your footsteps and become a writer.”
“Oh no.”
“Don’t knock it ‘till you’ve heard my plan! See, I’m going to write a novel. But it’s not going to be any old off-the-shelf, Douglas-Coupland-type crap. Oh, no, I am going to write the greatest Canadian novel of all time!”
“Hah, I wouldn’t quit my day job, if I were you.”
“Quitting? Who said anything about quitting? I need to continue to work here. This place is going to be my inspiration.”
“This place?”
“Yeah! It’s perfect! It’s got drama, it’s got suspense, it’s got romance, it’s got the creepos! It’s naked life right here!”
“Where has it got all this?”
“It’s a movie theatre! We play movies that fall under the suspense and romance genres.”
“And the creepos?”
“Oh those are everywhere. In movies, outside of movies, why, there’s one right there.”
“That’s Darcy, Rich.”
“Yeah and what does he do every single day from five o’clock until closing? That’s right, he loiters around here just hoping to catch a glimpse of Clara, even on nights that he knows she’s not working. If that’s not creepy, I don’t know what is.”
“So you’re going to write the great Canadian novel by talking Darcy and the movies we play?”
“No, no, God no. I am going to write about Milo and Minerva’s secret-not-so-secret affair and about Fry’s stalker and, of course, about Darcy’s obsession with Clara. Any words of advice?”
“Rich, that is the worst idea ever. My advice is give up right now.”
“C’mon, Ted. I’m serious. What can I do to make sure that my novel will end up becoming the greatest Canadian novel?”
“In that case, I can tell you that real life writes real bad.”
“Ted, that’s ridiculous. How can real life write badly when it’s this juicy?”
“It’s not juicy at all, Rich.”
“Shows what you know. You just wait and see, Ted McGrady. I will write the greatest Canadian novel of all time. And since I’m such a nice guy, I’ll even consider dedicating it to you.”
“That’s just super, Rich.”
---
Clover Cinema is the setting of Richie Moore’s great Canadian novel. It is a small, independent Edmonton-based theatre. It is best known for its ridiculously low ticket prices and the ugly green cotton-polyester shirts all employees wear. Richie works at the Concession bar with his best friend, Ted McGrady, and no one will ever know why he chose to write the great Canadian novel about Clover Cinema, or why he decided to write a novel at all.
---
“I think I’ll start with a small anecdote about Fry and his stalker. Like that time she came in and told him that he was fired.”
“I don’t know if Fry will like having his stalker problem ridiculed, Rich.”
“Nah, I’m positive he won’t mind.”
“Why don’t you pick up a new subject altogether? Write a story about a guy who is so desperate for true love he pretends that his cat is the love of his life, and then gets so involved in his story that he actually starts to believe that his cat is the love of his life. You can make a lot of crazy things happen from there, you know. It’s a nice little idea. I’m letting you have it.”
“I don’t need your pity plots, Ted. I’m imaginative enough on my own, thank-you-very-much.”
“Just trying to help.”
“I don’t need help. I’ve just figured out the layout of this story. It will be a bunch of vignettes about Clover. One will be about Fry and his stalker; another about Milo and Minerva’s secret affair that everyone knows about,;another will, of course, be about that good-for-nothing Darcy that’s always loitering around here. Ooh! Ooh! And maybe one about that ugly People People Omniplex in the West Edmonton Mall.”
“Those are the most boring topics ever. A pre-pubescent stalker, a disturbing affair, a boy who has nothing better to do than smell like popcorn for free, and a major corporation. I’m telling you, put some oomph into it. Make up crazy lives for these people and then make them do crazy things in those crazy lives. It’ll be mad.”
“Then it won’t be a story about Clover Cinema anymore!”
“No, it’ll be better.”
“Stop raining on my artistic parade, Ted, please.”
---
After three months, fourteen weeks, five days and eight hours of slaving away in front of his computer screen, Richie Moore finished his great Canadian novel which he affectionately called, Lucky Clover, My Love. After finishing, Richie carried his eight-hundred-page manuscript over to Clover Cinema so that his best friend, Ted McGrady, could be the first to read the final work. Ted took the novel home and, after a month and ten days, hauled it back to Clover Cinema.
---
“Rich, I’m sorry. I know you worked really hard on this, but as your best friend, I feel it’s my place to tell you that that it is utter crap.”
“Ted, don’t be so critical. It’s not your place. But what did you think of it?”
“It blows dogs for quarters.”
“You’re cracked. What’s wrong with it?”
“Well, for one thing, it is the most boring thing I have ever had to endure. And I am counting that three-hour seminar on beading that Clara made us join.”
“Ted, Ted. Why don’t you stop kidding around and just tell me what you think.”
“Rich, it’s horrible.”
There is a pause before Richie speaks.
“Oh, I see! Well, what do you know about great literature anyway? I’ve read everything by the literary big shots: Rowling, Snicket, while you were sitting around reading your Hardy Boys crap--”
“That’s Thomas Hardy, Richie. Not the Hardy Boys.”
“Whatever! Unlucky for you, Ted McGrady, you have just lost yourself a best friend who happens to be the greatest writer in Canada!”
---
Richie Moore tried to publish his great Canadian novel for eight years, but no one would take it. Richie gave up and burned the only original manuscript in his oven. It was a sad day for Richie. He cried in his one bedroom apartment above a twenty-four hour diner with no one for company. He still works at Clover Cinema, only now he has moved from the concession to the box office. He is still single, but looking. He is a little unhappy.
Ted also continued writing but hadn’t gotten a break until, out of desperation, he started writing a series of stories about a man named Billy Wise who accidentally fell in love with his cat Sparkles. The series followed the adventures of Billy and Sparkles from their first date, to their dinner with the parents, to their first break up, and so on. There was even a special silver novel in which Sparkles spoke for the first time and told Billy just what a sick little fuck he was. Today, Ted lives in a massive loft in New York City. He keeps a pet and is very happy.